The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

I'm not all that big on self-help books, although I've also read some of Dr. Gray's Mars/Venus books to help me better understand how and why men and women are so different, and to embrace those differences and re-learn communication and conflict-resolution skills. This book by Dr. Chapman is entirely different and just as effective, in a different way. My boyfriend's son had sent it to him a year before we met, when he (my BF) and his wife were about to split up, hoping that it might help and maybe they'd reconcile. My BF read it cover-to-cover, loved it, learned from it, and, while it didn't save his marriage (his wife was leaving him for her new boyfriend no matter what), he highly recommended it to me and I bought it the next day. Wow, am I glad I did! It's an easy read and makes so much sense. We all have our own "love language" - and if our partner doesn't know it, and expresses his/her love a different way, it may not be the way that we need (and vice versa). My love language is Words of Affirmation (there are 5 major languages, and we all have one primary language that our partner should learn, and we should learn our partner’s). So when he tells me how much he appreciates me, loves me, tells me I look pretty, what a great mom I am, whatever, I positively glow. He also *shows* his love in so many ways, not just with words, so even if he doesn't say it, he shows it, and I appreciate him so much for that (and for so many other things). But because my "language" is Words of Affirmation (probably stemming from my childhood, when I got little to no positive feedback or encouragement), his loving words mean more to me than anything else, even though the other languages are important too. By the way, the 5 Love Languages, according to Dr. Chapman, are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch (in a non-sexual way, such as spontaneously giving an affectionate hug or squeeze on the arm while passing by, bear hugs, sitting with my legs on his lap while we watch a movie, cuddling – yes, guys, cuddling is great and I’m lucky that my BF loves to do it too – and he’s as masculine as they come!). While the other languages are very important, I determined that my primary language is Words. We all have different primary languages. But I realized that, despite his showing me his love in so many ways, if he never again said "I love you" to me, or told me I'm pretty when we go out, or gives me an atta girl when I accomplish something important to me, etc., I'd feel that something major was missing (and in the book you'll read about how we all need our Love Tanks filled and the way to fill them is to speak our partner’s language regularly – that sounds silly maybe, but the book puts it into logical context). Quality time (one of the languages) doesn't mean simply being in the same room watching TV together; it means things like sitting down and talking (and listening) to each other without multi-tasking (texting, glancing at the score on TV, reading the paper, etc.), even if only 20 minutes a day. Important? Absolutely. Acts of Service: I’d bought a house last summer and when my BF was over the other day he saw an 8-foot extension ladder in my family room and asked me about it. I told him that the light bulb in the ceiling fan in my 2-story family room had burned out and I needed the ladder to reach it. The ladder was still there last night and the bulb not yet changed because when I’d climbed up and tried to remove the fixture cover, the screws were too tight so I gave it up that night, planning to go up again the next day with a wrench, pliers or other grip to loosen them, but I hadn’t had a chance to yet. So without a word last night, he got right up on the ladder and unscrewed it for me (I love a strong man!). I was grateful, absolutely, yet I also could have done it myself, so Acts of Service isn’t my primary language, though it’s still important. Receiving Gifts isn't my language either, although of course I appreciate them. Physical Touch: that comes naturally to both of us so it wasn't even a consideration since we both do it regularly. Therefore, Words are my primary language. As for my BF, turns out that's his language too, which doesn't always happen that way; most of us have different love languages. Anyway, sorry to go on and on, but I highly recommend this book, whether you're embarking on a new relationship or want to rekindle an existing one that may need a new spark. My grateful thanks to my BF's son, who sent him the book, otherwise I wouldn't have known about it. (By the way, just learning what each other's language is isn't enough. That's only the first step. From there, Dr. Chapman goes on to share how to actually speak the language, to put it into practice. My relationship was fantastic from the start, and knowing what I know now from reading this well-written book will help ensure it stays that way! So stop thinking about it: Add it to your cart! :) (And thank you, Dr. Chapman!)

First I must say I REALLY enjoyed this book. Me and my husband both. I heard about this book on Moody radio and decided to give it a try because I wanted a better marriage with less fighting and disagreements. I am soo happy I did. This book was right on point for me and my husband. I read it first, then got the audio version for him to listen to, which he did 4 times. It really gave me great insight into my self and my husband. It helped me to understand how to best express my love to my husband in the way he wants and understands most, and he was able to do the same for me. This hasn't been a cure all, but it helps to understand each other much more than we ever have before and we have been together for 18 years. The book is very well written, its an easy read and you should are able to get through it quickly. The change comes with investing time to apply the principles you have learned. I personally had to go through the material more than once to really let it sink it. This has been a small financial but HUGE emotional investment in one of my most important relationships. The knowledge in this book has really help my husband (his words) to better navigate personal relationships, not just with me, as it is intended, but also with his sister, friends and even stranger. I have found I can use this information is so many interactions and encounters with people throughout the day, it really opens you up to a new perspective. Gary Chapman did a great job explaining the details of the love languages. Anytime in conversation with someone complaining of relationship or even just communication issues I make sure to recommend this book. Can't say enough good things about it and we plan on checking out his other books as well.

I've never been one for relationship books and have this image in my head of them being perfectly fine reads, just cheesy, non-enlightening and not for me. I'm reminded of the Saturday my husband and I spent at our pre-marriage seminar with uncomfortable exercises, forced conversations and boring lectures. A healthy marriage is about communication, trust and mutual respect. It's about showing appreciation and gratitude, not judging, complaining and criticizing. I get it. However, I had been hearing a lot about Chapman's book and, without a book in my queue, I decided to give it a shot. I'm gad I did because the 5 Love Languages was a real eye opener for me. I devoured it in 2 days. Chapman says that we identify with one or more of 5 'love languages' that represents the way that we show and appreciate love. 1. Words of Affirmation 2. Quality Time 3. Acts of Service 4. Gifts 5. Physical Touch We love the way we want to be loved. Picking up my husband's dry cleaning (an `act of service') is my way of showing him that I love him. It's my love language. So when he fails to acknowledge my good deed and worse yet, reciprocate with simple chores around the house, I become a resentful nag. My husband, on the other hand, values `quality time'. He'd rather sit and have a glass of wine with me than do the dishes because that's his way of giving love. I realize that i'm the first one to complain about his watching sports or playing golf, when I should instead take an interest in his teams and hobbies. Now I'm not going to hunker down and watch all 166 major league baseball games, but I will root for them. And maybe, just maybe, i'll turn into an honest fan. Yes, much of Chapman's book is common sense, but I appreciate his simple and straightforward style. I don't need all of the science and the research and I'm a sucker for success stories. Working on your relationship should be a priority for all couples and Chapman gives us simple strategies on how to improve not only our communication, but also how to listen to one another and adapt your own behavior.

Really, it did. Simple and profound, a quick read. We all want to express love in the form that we want it for ourselves which is a recipe for disaster and completely arbitrary for your partner however well meaning that is. My wife kept saying that she didn't feel loved in spite of my significant attempts.... Now I know why. For instance saying "I love you" had absolutely no impact on her because her "words of affirmation" category is zero (absent). But she has a high need for physical touch (hooray for me because that is a big match). That insight lead to further research into tantric sex and now I'm having the best sex of my life and more frequently than when we were younger (amazing on both counts). The key was finally understanding what she needed so that she could feel "filled up" In the customized way that she needed. The examples are a bit dated, but still conceptually valid. For her the "acts of service" wasn't washing the dishes, but acts of targeted thoughtfulness that took some time to properly distinguish. I took it on to do something appropriately thoughtful for her every single day since she tested high in that category.... That was a grand slam home run over time. We also took a course in the enneagram (highly insightful personality typing) about the same time that dovetailed nicely. She was a type 2 that wants to make everyone around her happy, everyone except herself of course; she gives and gives until she is depleted and then becomes resentful. For her to be able to state what she wants and needs remains a huge struggle for her but she expects me to just know... A paradox for sure, but now I understand that by keeping her "filled up" overcomes that sense of depletion. (The enneagram is also highly recommended to know yourself and those around you). She takes care of those round her and she needed someone to do that for her; a huge insight. The punch line is that I now get back what I need with a new passion that feels more like an ongoing honeymoon. Priceless. ;-)

As of the time I am writing this review 368 out of 398 reviewers gave this book a 4 or 5 star rating - that's 92% "I liked it" and "I loved it" ratings. With these many positive reviews there are some critical reviews as well that are worth reading to get a balanced overall review - there may actually be more (and likely are more) than 5 love languages or categories. The author has a significant amount of knowledge and experience regarding married couples and it is certainly worth considering his input. What will make the information in this book the most beneficial is incorporating it with personal experience, and this subject will likely be a "work in progress" project with a focus on getting better everyday to result in a lasting, happy, and fulfilling marital arrangement. My favorite review is "Learning to Speak, December 23, 2010" where the reviewer's review could have been a superb foreword for this book. May I suggest reading it as in my opinion it is brief, clear, and simple. If you have time consider reading the other reviews and comments too. Of course, some may not agree or totally agree with this book's author; however, the subject of marriage is simple, yet complexed - and even compounding at times. In my opinion this is one of the better books on this subject. There is some good material here making it worth considering reading it. This book did stimulate my thinking on the different viewpoints in marriage and if you'd like to read my comments on this marriage subject contine, if not please feel free to move on. I am just hoping that some of these thoughts may help some considering marriage or who are already married. Some believe that men and women basically use different parts of their brains. Often heard are: "The left brain thinks, the right brain feels." "The left brain analyzes, the right brain intuits." "The left brain is logical, the right brain is emotional." Likely, our thinking, feeling, and loving are more complex than these simple statements; yet, at least on occasion (likely more often) men and women think and feel differently and express themselves differently - the author of this book identifies, categorizes, and classifies love into five languages. I would add one additional language, which is the ability to sincerely and promptly say "I'm sorry" from one's heart. From my 45+ years of marriage and from what I have learned from many others, a successful, lasting, and happy marriage involves two great forgivers and apologizers. In my three and a half decades of managing people I have found that those who never or almost never say "I'm sorry" have difficulties with their working and personal relationships. A husband and a wife differ to varying degrees about how they both think and feel about things, and this is in harmony with how the Creator said regarding Adam that He was going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him (not an identical twin of him - she was made different in a good way). A complement completes, perhaps making something just right. A husband and wife will benefit from loving each other, especially as the other person wants and needs to be loved. Couple this with deep respect and you hold the two keys to a successful, lasting, and happy marriage and family life - Love and Respect. Hopefully adding this thought will help your loving and respectful marriage grow more each and every day: "I love you more today than yesterday, but only half as much as tomorrow." And one additional thought: "It is more beneficial for me to be respectful and loving in all that I do, than for me to be loved (something I very much want)." Every marriage has the potential to be successful, lasting, and happy, especially using the two keys of "Love" and "Respect." Your marriage can be a most precious, valuable, and wonderful gift by using these two keys with sincerity and heartfelt caring; and, never let pride, the childish silent treatment, or other unloving disrespectful traits mar your treasured marriage! A good "PRIDE" antidote expressed before the end of the day: "I'm sorry - I was mistaken - How can I make it up to you? - I'll do my best to be better - Will you please forgive me?" A good "CHILDISH SILENT TREATMENT" antidote as soon as possible: Rescue the loving, caring, and respect adult within you. "Whining" and "I won't talk to you" are childish - they rarely worked in childhood and have no place among true adults. "Scolding" and "Lecturing" is easily blocked out. The best communications are loving, caring, and respectful adult expressions coupled with a big dose of attentive listening and understanding. In ballroom dancing it has been said that "it takes two to tango," and "it takes one to lead." Many have found a successful, permanent, and happy marriage includes three - the loving husband, the respectful wife, and the Creator and Author of marriage (who perfectly knows what's best). A good question to ask yourself at the beginning of each day: "What will I do today that shows I both love and respect my spouse?" TIP: While certainly one positive act or action daily is a good start, many are even better and will bring more benefits. ADDITIONAL BENEFICIAL READING: "One Minute for Myself [Yourself]: How to Manage Your Most Valuable Asset" by Spencer Johnson, MD - while it is good to have a great relationship with your spouse; it is essential to have a good relationship with yourself, especially if your goal is to love your neighbor as yourself. Keep in mind if this is one of your goals that your closest neighbor is your spouse. Good relationships with ourselves and others I believe is what our true success in life is all about. My thought is that one needs a good relationship with oneself first in order to have good relationships with others - and it is wise to pursue "self-respect" by being respectful of yourself and all others. I like the thought of "self-respect" rather than "self-esteem" because it is easily possible to think too much of oneself; better to just focus on being respectful, caring, loving, and having proper self-respect. ADDENDUM: One of best ways to tell your spouse "I Love You" is to say "I love you just the way you are." The principle here is if you want to be accepted in any relationship you should give your acceptance first. How many of us really want someone to relentlessly badger us to change this or change that about ourselves. Change in itself can be difficult, but that is another subject to consider.

Love this book. Did not even know that there are 5 love languages. This explains a LOT. This book is written for married couples but you can apply it to singles, children and work relationships. I also read the one for singles and its just as good. I got this book as a CD and will keep listening to it until it sinks in. I will try to apply this to any and all relationships that I come across. Just understanding this book, you can become a great marriage counselor or help anyone with a marriage or relationship problem. I personally was on the verge of of a separation 5 years ago and was the 3% that survived it. I am still married and happy to be married to the man I am with. I will definitely use this book to improve our marriage. This book is one of the best investements I have made. The only other three books that I love is Think and Grow Rich, Rich Dad Poor Dad and How to Win Friends and Influence Others. This book is up there on the list amongst with these amazing mind opening books!! MUST READ :) Hope that helps anyone reading this...

Great book. I buy it for newly weds.

When discussing building relationship skills with a therapist several years ago (and it is a skill, make no mistake), she recommended this book as providing a useful framework for thinking about loving relationships of all kinds — romantic, familial, even friends. Several years later, I can honestly say it has permanently changed the way I think about these relationships. The premise, as you probably know, is that people have one of five native love languages — words, gifts, touch, acts of service, or quality time. It's a remarkably robust idea. It's so simple and clear that I instantly recognized the love languages in my current relationships, and even achieved a much greater understanding of some past conflicts by thinking of them in this new context. For example, I realized while reading that my mother is 100% on the "acts of service" side. While she almost never gets sentimental, she shows love by doing all she can to help people out in any way possible — even ways that seem completely trivial. And I realized how much more hurtful it can be if I take these acts for granted, since these are her little expressions of love. It explained a lot. I also realized that my partner uses "words of affirmation," which had been a source of minor conflict for us, as that's probably my least used love language. It turns out that he was a little hurt whenever I'd hang up the phone without saying "I love you." I've now taught myself to say it every time, and he's noticeably happier about it — or as Chapman would say, his tank is fuller. After I read this book and held onto it for a while, I gave it to my sister. She read it, and we had a great discussion about the relationships in our lives. Chapman has really hit on something perfect with this little book — a simple theory that's easy to remember, remarkably accurate, and most importantly, instantly practical.